Sober

Sometimes I still feel like I might be dying, like I could just black-out,
collapse, and that would be it.
When my heart is noticeably beating, causing physical pain in my chest.
Ok, well perhaps dying is a little dramatic,
At times it's more like I might snap.
Just completely flip out,
and it's at those moments I'm a little scared of what I might be capable of...physically, emotionally, reputably!....If I did it would seem to be a point of no return I would imagine, so instead, I implode on the inside and deal with the consequences of the inner wrath unfolding.
and deal with it i do, and in a much more improved way than last year 
and all the years before that, thankfully.


It has been One Year since I hit the wall and slid down it into a miserable heap at the bottom, requiring eight months of weekly psychologist appointments.
One year of complete undoing and re-building,
of learning to do life differently.
Almost One Year of not wanting to hurt myself, cut myself & of allowing myself to sleep properly without lying on top of my own hands for fear I might hurt those closest to me in the night hours.
A year since those I'd desired to nurture and have in my care under church ministry had to be gently, excruciatingly and necessarily pried from beneath me and into other's capable, stable hands. A time for the microphone to be put down also, 
for a new song to sing was to be written.
IS being written.
A year since I drove alone a few hours away for four days with a suitcase, a bible and some pills that could have finished it all. A year since I could fight no more but just roll with current of the ocean I was drowning in.

"Have your way here, keep me afloat cause I know I'll sink without you. Take this ocean of pain that is mine. Throw me a lifeline." 

-from Brooke Fraser's "Lifeline"

Welcome to my ugly.


A few posts ago I vowed to write about 'the darkness'...well I hadn't forgotten about it, 
quite frankly I wished you had!
I mean, how does one write about something so ugly?
So consuming,
so evil,
so incapacitating,
so sick,
so deep,
so dark,
so lonely,
so powerful,
so *insert vomit sound here*,
so....well...almost
Normal.
or so it seemed.
Depression had taken up residency from a very young age with me, I knew no way to function without it. So instead I lived in a bubble for years, kept afloat by an array of things I thought were important, or expected of me. But last year the bubble burst and I ended up popping it myself because i was suffocating inside of it. The very life was sucked out of me, I had nothing left to give. In some ways it could sound like I was actually better off in those days back there,
where I used to cook & bake more often, organise my family life with meal plans and shopping lists, decorate this and that, host parties, sing, sew, have a booming social life...and while I usually love all of those things (ok perhaps not so much the organising part)...I was doing much of it in the hope that the responsibility of ministry, marriage and motherhood would grow me up into the person I thought I had to be.
Oh what an undoing this year has been,
EVERYTHING has changed.
Starting with just me,
and it's had to be from scratch.
With the help of my God, my husband, my Christian Psychologist, my church & close friends I began a journey to Whole and made it to the other side. The gate is shut on that side of life...and although certain things attempt to jump the fence from time to time I am better at booting them back out.
I'm gradually discovering things I like, things that make me, me. Growing a backbone, gaining strength, adding and subtracting from life where necessary -(who would have thought I'd ever be good at math?!! hee hee)... Seriously though, a major part of the professional therapy I received, and put here now quite plainly is that I've been a little girl stuck in a big girl body! I had to come completely undone, there was no other way. I had to go back and meet 'her', that little girl 'me', to love 'her', nurture 'her' and take her to a place she could climb up on her Daddy's knee and sink into His loving arms. (our Heavenly Father that is!!)
I wrote a lot during the dark days, during my breakdown,
my Sweet Release, I would call it, as it spilled out in words over the paper.
Perhaps i might share some snippets here someday.
But as for now, it's been a year 
a bare, raw and lonely one at times 
but from the level and depth of darkness i was dwelling in, I'm glad to report, 
a stunning redemption awaits,
Mine.
for I am Sober.

"He will rebuild you on a foundation of sapphires" - Isaiah 54:11

be the change

I really missed not being able to go to this year's Colour Conference at Hillsong Sydney
and the whole time it was on I just kept thinking about it,
thinking about how much it had enlarged my head and my heart the year before. But it got to a point where I couldn't STOP thinking about it and I knew God was onto something.

There is something burning in my spirit, something alive and well and yearning to be the change.

Orphans. Sisters. Nations.

as the Sisterhood had put it

and as God the Kind was reminding me.

In order to see a change, we need to be the change.

If you have read my previous post, you will see that I consider a sister a precious commodity.
I am really, truly blessed that I have many. I love that we can have family beyond our genetic pool or legal arrangements. That there are those we do life alongside, who celebrate our successes and not just notice when we fail. Those whose strength you can lean on when at the times you have virtually none of your own. I love that He gives us family and that we can be family to others.

I could do nothing but smile as my favourite neighbour's adorable 2 year old wandered in my back door yesterday, helped herself to a bowl and some snacks, picked a book from the kidlet's shelf, sat herself down at my bench while I tinkered in the kitchen and sang a little tune to herself. She was quite at home, and so was I.
Family!

I had the privilege of attending a High Tea on the weekend. I love that my very own Miss Sunshine came with me.
A room full of mothers, sisters, daughters.
My beautiful Pastor and her two gorgeous girls told us of their life growing in church, their tragedies, their triumphs and their Hope.
My heart swells knowing I am part of a growing sisterhood across the globe as Our Father draws us near.
The glistening, beautiful jewels on His Bride's Gown, dancing and dazzling in the glorious light, casting off reflections in the darkest of places.

I am hoping to make my way to Cambodia a little later in the year to join a woman who has a place for girls who have been trafficked but rescued. Their stories are horrific, heart-wrenching. Here's a clip from last year's Colour Conference that sheds some light on this shocking reality. While I long to travel to the far ends of the earth shining His light, I realise that 'reaching the nations' also means reaching out to those in our own backyard who perhaps from us, may be world's apart. Our nation is in need, our world is in need. I have been hanging out for a copy of this clip for a while and yay, I found it...get the tissues! (and the overalls...there's work to be done -chop chop!)

And what better way to start than His Word and a cup of tea!

Who's Coming With Me?

Beloved Daughter of The Most High God,
it is time for your voice to be heard.
The keys to eternal promises and truths lay in your hands waiting to unlock the treasures bestowed upon those who are called His Own.
You have the ability to draw others to your side in all you say and do. You have virtues that surpass the pretentious and the pious. 
Redemption has made you whole, and in your fullness there is a richness that extends beyond the wealth of this world.


Priceless is your value,
Divine is your calling,
Treasured is your soul.


You have a creativity like no other and you outshine the stars when you smile with all your heart. Those beautiful eyes have seen much in their lifetime, but nothing compared to His Glory that awaits you. 
Take heart oh lovely one, for your hero is coming, and is already here. Having fought the battle through mockery, brutality, resistance and thorns just to get to you, to rescue you. Who are you that He would come for you? unworthy, unwanted, fallen and damaged you say. 
He thinks not. 
His eyes are fixed on you for you are all that He says you are - 


Beautiful. 
Adored. 
Cherished. 
Wanted. 
Redeemed. 
Righteous. 
Set Apart. 
Chosen. 
Lovely. 
Brave.


Galant, courageous and splendid he comes, ready to tear down the fortress that would have you imprisoned for eternity. Ready to save you, ready to take you on a ride into the unknown, into adventure, into freedom.
Come sweet beauty, 
Listen, 
for He is calling you, though you are weak, He makes you strong. There is nothing to fear. That tower built up around you is not safe, but His loving arms are. Fall into them, let Him love you. 
In even a whisper your Saviour will come to your side, for He knows just where to find you, you are never lost in His sight.
Feel the wind in your hair, warm sun on your skin, let Him lead you my dear girl, for He is The One who knows the way.

'He rescued me because He delights in me' - Psalm 18:19