pondering & projects, pictures & pearls

Tuesday, May 24, 2011


Sometimes I still feel like I might be dying, like I could just black-out,
collapse, and that would be it.
When my heart is noticeably beating, causing physical pain in my chest.
Ok, well perhaps dying is a little dramatic,
At times it's more like I might snap.
Just completely flip out,
and it's at those moments I'm a little scared of what I might be capable of...physically, emotionally, reputably!....If I did it would seem to be a point of no return I would imagine, so instead, I implode on the inside and deal with the consequences of the inner wrath unfolding.
and deal with it i do, and in a much more improved way than last year 
and all the years before that, thankfully.

It has been One Year since I hit the wall and slid down it into a miserable heap at the bottom, requiring eight months of weekly psychologist appointments.
One year of complete undoing and re-building,
of learning to do life differently.
Almost One Year of not wanting to hurt myself, cut myself & of allowing myself to sleep properly without lying on top of my own hands for fear I might hurt those closest to me in the night hours.
A year since those I'd desired to nurture and have in my care under church ministry had to be gently, excruciatingly and necessarily pried from beneath me and into other's capable, stable hands. A time for the microphone to be put down also, 
for a new song to sing was to be written.
IS being written.
A year since I drove alone a few hours away for four days with a suitcase, a bible and some pills that could have finished it all. A year since I could fight no more but just roll with current of the ocean I was drowning in.

"Have your way here, keep me afloat cause I know I'll sink without you. Take this ocean of pain that is mine. Throw me a lifeline." 
-from Brooke Fraser's "Lifeline"

Welcome to my ugly.

A few posts ago I vowed to write about 'the darkness'...well I hadn't forgotten about it, 
quite frankly I wished you had!
I mean, how does one write about something so ugly?
So consuming,
so evil,
so incapacitating,
so sick,
so deep,
so dark,
so lonely,
so powerful,
so *insert vomit sound here*,
or so it seemed.
Depression had taken up residency from a very young age with me, I knew no way to function without it. So instead I lived in a bubble for years, kept afloat by an array of things I thought were important, or expected of me. But last year the bubble burst and I ended up popping it myself because i was suffocating inside of it. The very life was sucked out of me, I had nothing left to give. In some ways it could sound like I was actually better off in those days back there,
where I used to cook & bake more often, organise my family life with meal plans and shopping lists, decorate this and that, host parties, sing, sew, have a booming social life...and while I usually love all of those things (ok perhaps not so much the organising part)...I was doing much of it in the hope that the responsibility of ministry, marriage and motherhood would grow me up into the person I thought I had to be.
Oh what an undoing this year has been,
EVERYTHING has changed.
Starting with just me,
and it's had to be from scratch.
With the help of my God, my husband, my Christian Psychologist, my church & close friends I began a journey to Whole and made it to the other side. The gate is shut on that side of life...and although certain things attempt to jump the fence from time to time I am better at booting them back out.
I'm gradually discovering things I like, things that make me, me. Growing a backbone, gaining strength, adding and subtracting from life where necessary -(who would have thought I'd ever be good at math?!! hee hee)... Seriously though, a major part of the professional therapy I received, and put here now quite plainly is that I've been a little girl stuck in a big girl body! I had to come completely undone, there was no other way. I had to go back and meet 'her', that little girl 'me', to love 'her', nurture 'her' and take her to a place she could climb up on her Daddy's knee and sink into His loving arms. (our Heavenly Father that is!!)
I wrote a lot during the dark days, during my breakdown,
my Sweet Release, I would call it, as it spilled out in words over the paper.
Perhaps i might share some snippets here someday.
But as for now, it's been a year 
a bare, raw and lonely one at times 
but from the level and depth of darkness i was dwelling in, I'm glad to report, 
a stunning redemption awaits,
for I am Sober.

"He will rebuild you on a foundation of sapphires" - Isaiah 54:11


  1. Oh Peach...this has brought tears to my eyes..one for the pain you have had to endure and two for knowing so well alot of the feelings you must have felt. Depression is such a beast to deal with but you my girl have fought your way to the other side and for that I cry tears of pure joy!! You are such a remarkable woman/mother/wife/friend and I am so estatic for you that you have a bright new future ahead of you. Walk in peace e hoa, God is with you.

  2. Wow...here's to another year ahead of so much more of that brightness we all deserve. x

  3. I love you my precious friend.


  4. Oh my beautiful friend....I have been there and experienced the ugly. Yuk! I am so proud of you for sharing this. I know there will be so many women who will find hope in your words.

    I stopped writing about my journey to overcoming depression last year as it was always painful to revisit the ugly in my mind. But I feel Him gently calling me to write again about the darkness as there are so many women who struggle with it.

    I so related to this: "I was doing much of it in the hope that the responsibility of ministry, marriage and motherhood would grow me up into the person I thought I had to be." This was me before I ended up in a heaped mess.

    And I also know what it is like to have discover who 'me' is! In fact, I'm still discovering....

    The scripture in Isaiah 54 is one that I clung to when I trusted Him to bering me out of the darkness - a promise to rebuild me. He is still rebuilding me. Sometimes I find myself going back to old habits of trying to rebuild myself into something I'm not. But then I realise what I am doing, and try to undo my rebuilding and allow Him to rebuild me. (let's face it - He's better at it then I am!)It's a process ;)

    So so love that you have shared this. Thank you xo

  5. So proud of you. Couldn't imagine life without you - you are SO loved, adored and sent by God... so glad to walk alongside such an amazing friend. God will set women free with these words. x

  6. Thank you for sharing!! I read something in a book this morning and I thought it might encourage you that God can use your 'ugly' to bring His glory... "when she ministers to people today, her story is about the redemption of God, painted against a stark, contrasting canvas of despair, agony and hopelessness... God tells a story through her... her mess creates a message that puts hope back on the table for one person after another" It's from 'Life Interrupted' by Priscilla Shirer. Keep walking the journey :-)

  7. I don't know what else to write other than THANK YOU. Believe you me I am shouting that from the rooftops, all the way from the east to the west of oz.

    Every word you wrote is my world right now.

    I stumbled across this post and I have not stopped crying as I read every word over and over again.
    Through your words I felt Jesus start to softening my heart in preparation for what's to come, the journey to wholeness?
    I know it will be hard, scary and lonesome at times but knowing I have others who have been through this season and are in the other side gives me hope that I too can get to the other side.

    Thank you so much.