"I wonder, 'Will I ever make it -
arrive and drink in God's presence?'
I'm on a diet of tears,
tears for breakfast, tears for supper.
All day long people knock at my door,
'Where is this God of yours?'" Psalm 42 (The Message)
Sorry to have to say it but, well, I have been down in the dumps this week. I have taken a few knocks, one hit after the other.
We just have those weeks, do you know the ones, where every one wants a piece of you?
There were things said and things not said that gave me an uncomfortable anti-clockwise stir within, going against my fairly clockwise life...or so it seemed.
"Why are you down in the dumps dear soul?
Why are you crying the blues?
Fix my eyes on God-
soon I'll be praising again." Psalm 42:5
So during the chaos of housework, cooking, assignments & jobs I couldn't do much more than re-acquaint my knees with the carpet (thanks Brooke Fraser). It was here that God the Kind revealed some residue that 'the old girl' (the 'me' before I emerged to the better side) still had clinging on. Mostly in the realm of boundaries,
or lack of.
It's safe to say I had and still have from time to time a struggle saying 'No' and I have finally seen the repercussions of this, and unfortunately so have some others.
Allow me to share the revelation that came during the copious amounts of tears lost a few days ago.
By not having boundaries, we dishonour God because we let people down around us. We disappoint, hurt and potentially make life difficult for them as well as ourselves - not a becoming trait for a Christian! By not having boundaries we put pressure on ourselves to perform, we say yes to try and do it ALL and then ask God for the strength and grace to actually get through it! Although He is faithful and His grace is sufficient, if we're not true to ourselves we can't be true to Him.
Boundaries protect us, protect our devotion to Him and protect others from being hurt by our broken promises or half-hearted attempts.
Following this light-bulb moment, came my prayer,
God, Thank you for showing me how important boundaries are in honouring You.
Help me to not be over-committed or make promises I can't keep.
Release me from unreasonable expectations placed there by myself and by others and help me to live in your light, divine timing and seasons with your all sufficient grace and mercy.
I forgive others who have expected too much from me, I forgive myself and Lord I ask that you forgive me for false promises and trying to tackle things in my own strength.
I pray Father that you help them to forgive me and release me from any grudges still residing from me letting them down. Help them to let go of disappointment so that we can start over again, happier.
In Jesus Precious Name,
Perhaps unlike me, you're really good in the boundary area, I have many friends who are. So here's where I now repent from jealousy too coz gee I can really suck at this! (but I AM getting better!!!)
To add to this week's yukkyness I did a little comparing.
*insert shrieks of horror here*
I know, I know, we should never compare right? But in this case I wasn't actually comparing myself with anyone else, just myself in fact. You see, I'm on the other side of a deep journey - like I said earlier, the better side, only this week it didn't feel like that. In so many ways I'm back at square one and for the first time lately I saw that as a bad thing.
I let my mind wander back to not that long ago where on any given Sunday I was Worship Leader, where I used to proudly sit front row, where I was announcing the Notices and Welcoming New People from the pulpit, where I worked in the church office during the week, where I was striving to be and do it all...
yes, striving for His attention, for His love,
for something I already had.
I could relate my particular circumstance and thoughts at that moment to what the psalmist also wrote,
"These are the things I go over and over,
emptying out the pockets of my life.
I was always at the head of the worshipping crowd,
right out in front,
leading them all,
eager to arrive and worship.
shouting praises, singing thanksgiving -
celebrating, all of us, God's feast!"
And as I lay on the floor in a mess of tears and snot, emptying out my own pockets of my life to God, I cried out, "where is she? Was she ever me? Who is that girl?"
And it's answers like these that stop me in my tracks,
"She is healed!"
I wouldn't say I'm back,
I'd just say I'm better,
and the good stuff is catching up, only in healthier boundaries and timing! I happily await the time I will lead others in worship once again with my voice, but for now I hope to do it in words! I will be ready to step out however God requires me to and I'll enjoy the season He has me in now and quit the comparisons!
"He puts a smile on my face,
He's my God."