Well I have a bit of a confession, but I’ve been finding it a little hard to write lately (fussy more like it) Perhaps a case of writer’s block, but I think more truthfully it’s just plain stubbornness! You see God’s been on my case a bit, I’ve been trying to play it safe a little lately when I write, keep it light hearted, lovely, glossing over some areas I could delve deeper into.. The thing is, I’m sensing He wants me to bump things up a notch, after all, we do speak He & I. It all started when we were having a conversation recently coz I didn’t know what I should write about and thought He could show me. So I asked, (He likes it when we do that)..
‘I want you to write about Darkness.’
Crazy huh, the Lord of Light wants me to write about darkness? What is with that?!!!
Blaagh I thought, I don’t wanna write about that, there so much other cool stuff, why get all doom & gloomy?!! So I’ve been wrestling with it over the past few weeks, boycotted writing altogether for a bit, questioned whether I should be doing it at all, listened to a few lies from the pit & allowed self-doubt to creep in. Finally fed up of avoiding something I love doing I prayed that if He doesn’t want me to write anymore would He please remove my desire to write at all!... and whadya know.. ta-da! I’m still here! only now with an even stronger desire. Which leaves me a little daunted about the next part, meaning my whole ‘play it safe’ habit is about to be thrown outta the water – yikes! For this former people-pleaser, perfectionist, ‘yes-woman’ to everything, that kind of exposure leaves me feeling vulnerable and well… bare.
I think of what I could write and screw up my nose thinking it just sounds all about me me me me! (but then it is MY blog after all) Then in another sense, I know God wants to use my journey through depression to bring light to others and I would never want redemption through my Saviour to have been in vain. So I’m stuck between a rock & a hard place, actually more like On The Rock, which come to think of it isn’t that bad a place to be!!
Then last night I had a nightmare.
It woke me up rather unsettled just after 4am and left me feeling a little rattled all morning unable to go back to sleep and with an open opportunity for fear about my safety to creep in. In my dream my husband and I were sleeping when I woke with a sense of uneasiness, lying in bed I heard a noise and could see a frightening, tormented person/zombie/demon enter the house. For some reason I was aware he had brought others like him who were waiting outside and I knew we were under attack, it was a planned assignment for our doom. I quickly poked my sleeping husband who opened his eyes just in time as I shut mine again and pretended to be asleep. As the intruder approached and locked eyes with my hubby launching an attack I reached over and stabbed the evil one with a pen. Yes, a pen!...and not just once, I finished him off! We managed to get out and escape through the manhole, onto the roof and down out the back through the woods. Then I woke up.
It really rattled me all morning, that thing was scary, possessed, cold & calculating. But then I thought how I’d got the better of him… with my pen! I'd like to think that when I and other Godly writers out there put pen to paper & write, we can put to death the king of darkness in our own lives and in other’s. We ruin his assignment of fear, death and despair through the confession of our heart, mind and mouth. How can I be so sure? Well, I'm not really, of myself that is..but of Him & in Him, our most powerful Almighty, I most certainly am! So that's it, I’m gonna keep on writing, mindful of my humanity and His Sovereignty. There is power in our words, spoken & written I would say, particularly when they are inspired from His Word, the Lord of Light, our one True God.
‘For the Word of God is living & powerful and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart’ – Hebrews 4:12
Here’s to the darkness, you suck!....oh and watch out, this pen is on fire!